Where does this ocean go?

Since I'm writting this you can guess I'm home. My sisters and brothers are gone, the dream is falling and Ysera is sending the druids out. Malfurion remains and there are whispers of the return of Cenarious. I can only hope that he is strong enough to defend our home. Once more there is danger in the winds as Lord Eranikus returns as Eranikus Tyrant of dreams. Allies are quickly becoming enemies and the leaders I once held so high begin to fade away, strike out at those they once lead, or die and leave us to mourn in their wake.

Himitsu lead the Order Of The Rose with strength and perseverance. Even when she was posessessed she managed to overcome it and guide us. She is sick now, and has left leadership of The Rose with Kalice and myself. If she wishes to continue living it will mostly involve a lot of bedrest due to the style of life she has chosen to lead. It hurts to hear this and I've been afraid to see her... I'm scared to see her so sad and weak. I remember all the times Himitsu dressed up like a pirate, and we'd sing, dance, jump up on tables and pretend it was a ship. She was always there for me when I needed it and now she is confined to a bed. I never knew what we did could hurt her so. I wish I would have told her to stop, said something even.

Valedor hasn't been himself since before the dream. He seems tired, angry, and when I see him these days he rarely says much. A few words here and there, but for someone so young he seems so old. My first memory of Valedor was when we met at Rhel's knighting. He had a kind smile and seemed so interested in what I had to say even though I just babbled. He'd even humor me when I called him over my buzz box and ask silly questions about humans and Stormwind. So noble and smart, he always scared the bad things away. He taught me how to weild a mace, and how to focus my fear into something more productive. Val was always the strength we needed and I don't know where he is now. When he hugged me or patted my head it made the world seem alright. He was a light that even the darkness of Duskwood couldn't extinguish.

He's left a hole in Shaila's heart that I worry won't mend for a long, long time. Tobias and Jaina are still young and do not understand that their parents are fighting. They don't understand why their mom is so upset. Shaila cries and I can't help her. She was upset and scared and all I could do was fight with Tobias and hurt her feelings. I wonder if I even came there to cheer her up or cheer myself up. I miss her smile and I don't know when its coming back.

Uthas left with Absolution and a river of tears flowed out into the ocean with him and his followers. Tears that I'm sure they will never understand.

We all bear the burden of sadness, fear, and the desire to help our friends without the knowledge of how. I feel less with each battle lost. It shakes my spirit and leaves a coldness in my bones.

Why do you have to go?!
Don't you love us anymore?!
We need you!

I want to cry out, beg and plead for them to return as they were. Bring us light and hope once again. Chase the bad things away so we will not be scared anymore. Still our tears and stay the wolves fangs. We are lost sheep and need you.

I see these fresh new faces and I want to keep them from the sorrow I've faced. Keep them from the fear and sadness I feel every time I think of those I've lost. Mister Degom, Mister Calvo, gone before I knew what happened.

I've been told to take up the mantle and lead with Kalice. How can I lead them when I still seek guidance... Perhaps the people I idolized were scared too? I can't hurt them. I'm scared I will though... I'm not a leader! I'm not a pillar or a tower or any such thing! I'm not the mother rose... I'm me and all I want to do is be hugged and told everything will be alright. I want my blanket and Mister Bunikins. I want to eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and swim with my friends! I want to watch the rain fall and feel safe and warm inside my home. It feels like its raining in my head and heart.

Maybe that is how they felt too.

I'm sorry, you are the last person I've told. I will be entering the emerald dream soon and I don't know what I am going to see there. Madness, chaos, the destruction of my breathren potentially. I told no one... but I ignored Ysera's call for a long time and its time that I finally answered her call. I only hope that I am not too late. I'm scared, but I want to see how strong I can be. I go to face my maker with Valedor at my side and the wind at my back. I cannot fail, because he has to return home, and so do I. I promise you that I will not fail!

Smallwing 148 reporting for duty!

...Wish me luck!

Winterveil is here, and it means lots of things to lots of people. The dwarves and tauren started this tradition seeing snow as a renewal time for the land. Earthmother, the titans, I'm not too sure. But I know that Greatfather Winter brings his cloak of snow and along with him a time of feasting and friendship. Of course, at his side would be the magical wonderful great snowman. They work together in making the land snowy and beautiful. Then when spring comes they fade away and allow us to appriciate the fresh green newness. I wonder if newness is a word... do you think it is? ... well no matter!

That amazing thing is that the Great Winterveil snowman came to me! He said that Greatfather Winter and he think I am a very good elf, and that I'm really nice. This made me really happy, you see I'd been doubting myself of late... ever since the problems with Lirith and all, I just... well I began to wonder if I truely was a good person deep down. I thought that perhaps I was no different than the war and hate mongers who drive everyone into a state of frenzy and unhappiness. I've tried very hard to keep a positive and happy disposistion, but it crumbled so easily. You saw that... and I'm still sorry about tearing up your pretty pages with my angry drawing.

In any case, I am writting to tell you that I won't let their good faith in me be unfounded. Shaila, myself, and the Great magical snowman are throwing a party for our friends and family. Nothing is more precious than the time we haven't sold. I hope that for one day we can all be happy and together again. One day will make this entire year seem better somehow, and perhaps give us perspective for the next year.

Well, I still have lots of presents to get ready~! Wish me luck!

Boy did I have a busy last few days! So get this, after such a short amount of time, Shaila has her baby! Now, I don't really know too much about babies. I'm told I should but the druids never really taught me about such. Then again they were a bunch of men so they probably knew about as much as I do now. I know that babies are the miracle of life or an "affirmation" as Wue put it... that reminds me. He looked really, really down... I need to go talk with him. I worry that with all this dragon punching he's starting to feel really hurt.

Anyways! Affirmation of life, gross. There was blood and stuff everywhere and I was so scared! Shaila was screaming and yelling a bunch. Fortunatly we had Miss Janje (A really nice troll Priestess) and Okrth, (Another nice troll Shaman) And a bunch of people I'd never met before there. They all seemed to know what was going on more so than I did. Rhel was in the gulch that day sadly... but I don't think he would have liked to see Shaila bleed and cry so much. The painkiller potions I have her seemed to make Shaila happy. Opalle helped clean the baby and attend to Shaila after the birth. Jaina was born at a healthy seven pounds and is a beautiful baby girl. (Despite being hairless and pink. She was actually more of a red color, but you know, pink when she calmed down and all. Something tells me she is going to be a strong fighter. She punched me in the nose!) It all went so amazingly fast I didn't know what to do!

Speaking of not knowing what to do, Val seemed very shakey. The silly goofball wondered if he would make a good dad, and said he had never been much of a father figure for Tobias, and had never really bonded with his dad. But to be honest I think Val is going to make a wonderful Dad. He's already helped me so much and I'm not a baby at all! Tobias and Jaina are lucky to have such great parents.

Though I admit I'm a little jealous. I almost wish I had been a kid... I suppose it doesn't matter so much. Being hairless and screamy can't be that fun. Also, Opalle is going to be joining order of the rose once more! and that makes me so happy. Mainly because I think she needs the friends, and we need her. Speaking of friends, I haven't heard from Ahrf for a really long time... I do miss him a lot. I should probably try my disguise back on and sneak over to see everyone. I do need to thank Janje and Mister Okrth for helping Shaila, and maybe I can catch Ahrf. I'll just have to be super careful and make sure to coat myself extra thick in ichor and maybe wear a new wig... I know I swore I'd never use this again but you understand, I can't bring myself to not see them! I promise I'll be careful! So do not worry!

I made a picture!

http://artpad.art.com/?ir2vcmdod00

I know you must be very cross with me. I'm sorry I scribbled so harshly in you. I have to confess that what happened to me during that time was something I do not like to reflect upon. With Rhel gone and the apperance of Lirith (she hurt my friends and Rhel) where I thought I would find Rhel, it was all too much. I don't suppose you get angry very much but I was. No matter how hard I tried it seemed like being happy was just out of my reach. I'm grateful though, my friends kept me strong and kept me moving, even when I was sad and didn't want to. We succeeded and saved Rhel from what I am sure would have been something horrible.

I think I've been very lucky in my life. Even when disaster has befallen me, my friends, and my family, we've pulled through. I've pulled through. Memories both good and bad have influenced us in such a way as to make it hard to find regrets. Though, I never look forward to the pain that we may face, I know we'll be okay. Even if I were to go, I know that there will a whole world going on without me. I don't want to leave, but at least if I were to go today, tomorrow, a thousand years from now... I won't have any regrets.


And here for prosterity is a picture of a landshark.

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?iqrrloobwk8

Sometimes, in the morning when I first wake up and open my eyes, I like to close them again. The morning seems new and fresh, full of promise and the past day is forgotten. I lay in bed with my eyes closed and imagine the possibilities. Everything in my life other than the moment does not exsist. It is just me, the warm covers, and the crackle of the fire. I feel happy and content.

And then I roll over and feel the spot where he slept. It has been five days since Rhel left me that morning. He kissed my cheek, got me my water, grabbed Lirith and was out the door. It has been twelve days since Rhel was taken. 288 hours, 1036800 seconds and counting.

I'm a horrible selfish person. When I got the letter telling me goodbye I felt devistated. Rhel no longer wanted anything to do with me and he had to go. Then, when I found out that he was taken, for a split second I felt better.

Now I just feel worse.

It is getting harder to concentrait for me. I hear people talking but later I can't even remember what was said to me. I just fade in and out of conversations and what is happening around me. I don't want to, and I try hard to listen but I just get dizzy and it all fades away. Its like I'm sleep walking through my day now.

When I look outside I wonder if the sky is blue where Rhel is. Can he even see the sky? I just want Rhel to come back like he always does. Why couldn't thursday have been like every other day? Why couldn't he have just come home?

I know you don't know. Elune, or the light, or someone knows. But I wish I knew why this had to happen.

Weak life, strong feelings.
Every bird knows.
Whenever we sing,
our voices reach to the sky.

I can't leave this bed until monday. But I cannot tell what day it is, or if it is even day. It could be night, the world could have ended and I'd never know. Rhel hasn't come home yet...

I'm fine. He's gone but I'm really fine. Shaila said he just went on vacation, he'll come back because Rhel could never leave me behind. So its really okay. Even though I think she believed that about as much as I do. I have to smile, I have to smile, I can't cry because if I cry then that'll be bad and make it true. Pleasepleasepleaseplease don't make it true. So many people are gone, why did he have to be gone too?

Hes gone and he took so much with him...

Once again I have neglected you my friend and I apologize as usual. This week has been once again hectic and filled with danger. Since the night the troll shaman scared me I have done a lot of things. I buried my disguise out behind the inn and I won't use it anymore. I know I'm going to miss my friends and... well there isn't anything that can help this. I've worried too many people for too long. Though, I'm already missing Mister Wueten, Ahrfauntis, Drask... They've all been kind and now I won't be able to see them. Speaking of Mister Wueten, I haven't seen him since he passed out on the bed. He slipped out without even saying goodbye... but then again, you know how he is, very mysterious and sneaky like. I wish he didn't have to wear that silly mask. But I guess they are rather stylish.

Due to my restrictions I've been doing other things. Working on my alchemy, I've been doing exploring of my own in less dangerous lands. I went to a strange troll place named Zul'grub and I visited Uthars tomb to light a candle for the festival of the harvest. The tomb of Uthar is in the western plaguelands, not too far from the Argent dawn camp. It seems a little odd for a monument but I guess where it was built wasn't always overun by scourge. And even though it is the statue and the surrounding area is still beautiful if only in its symbolism. The harvest festival made me see it in a new light...

Humans and Dwarves have such interesting festivities. Its so sad that I'm only now discovering these things! I wish I hadn't traveled alone as much as I did. Did you know that they even celebrate the day they were born? They buy presents and everything. Shaila's birthday I was told is this coming weekend. I am very worried that she has not thought about her own birthday since she has been so busy. I'll think of something, I already got the presents after all!

I think I hear Rhel, I'll write you more later!

He knew. He could smell me and I failed. I ran as hard as I could and it didn't matter... I almost got Tencius in trouble. He might still be in trouble. Shaila is going to be so mad at me... What if Rhel finds out? I don't know what to do. I didn't use enough ichor, I didn't do something right and I messed everything up. That troll let me go but I wonder if it was out of kindness. I can't let my friends fall into danger over my own selfish whims.

I tried to lead a meeting today since Himitsu and Argamend were gone. My big stupid mouth bored everyone to tears. Next time I think I'll just let Keltarin or someone else run the meeting that way something actually gets done.

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?im65z31hn6zs

Today I learned many interesting things.

I learned that if you see a shooting star you can make a wish and it will come true.

I learned that the foresaken can still taste things and do actually need to eat and drink. (I know I was amazed!)

So maybe I am just writting happy banter... I have some big problems and I have no idea what to do about them. I told you about how Himitsu had been acting funny of late, well I found out that it was because of a gun. Not just any gun but a special gun she pulled off the body of a dreadlord ruler she met in the dire maul, (Didn't that used to be an elvish city?) So, yes Himitsu got this gun. But the gun it seems has something terrible in or about it, which caused Himitsu to become... weird and protective of it. When I found her in Silverpine forest covered in blood, she had screamed Evabis. I didn't know back then that it was the name of her gun. Things just got worse from there. She'd get violent and aggitated over wierd things and it had only become worse of late.

So Rhel and I did something, I'm not sure now if it was the best idea we had ever come up with but we thought something needed to be done before Himitsu hurt herself or someone else. So when she was asleep we stole her gun (well, sort of asleep. *drawn frowny face* my head still hurts from where she kicked me.) And we tried to hide it in the house till we could figure out what to do. But the gun was too creepy. Rhel would lock it up in the cabinent and it would just pop out. Once, while I was watching it I fell asleep and woke up with it laying next to me on the bed! The creepy eye on it just *staring* at me. Rhel got so upset that he decided to call Argamend (Rhel is so smart!) to come look at the gun. He said that he could feel evil coming off the gun (He's a paladin and knows about that type of stuff) So, he decided to help us seal it away. We dragged the evil gun all the way over to Stormwind and sealed it up in a coffin under the cathedral. It was supposed to stay there but it didn't however. We brought Keltarin back to look at the gun and when we got there it was out of the nailed shut coffin and on the floor next to it!

Can you imagine that? CREEEPY!

Now, I know that when you put toys in a box they don't just climb out. So I do not think guns should be able to either... what with not having feet and everyhing.

But somehow it did. Thankfully Keltarin came up with a smart idea and sealed the coffin shut using magic. Hes good at that type of thing so it probably stayed shut. But... that did not make me feel any better. So I went and took a nice relaxing walk through the barrnens to try and clear my brain. I guess it worked too well though, because I fell asleep.

Mister Wueten was nice enough to wake me up and keep me company however. We watched stars and clouds and I even saw a cloud shaped like a bunny! It was very peaceful and fun and made me forget all about giant liquid fire vomiting dogs and guns with funny eyeballs that stare. There were no land sharks in sight. Mister Wueten is a really interesting man, he has sailed on ships and done all sorts of neat things. Despite being very busy and important he stayed with me when I was feeling down. He even said he would try to help me find a way to get rid of the gun and help Himitsu. I told him not to worry about the troubles of the rose but he insisted on helping...

He even helped me get a hammock at the inn in camp Taurjuo. I was really scared to be sleeping there at first, especially since I didn't have Socrates or Mister Bunnkins with me but he left his kitten Bomber Bombay with me and I fell asleep without any problems. I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank Mister Wueten enough so I made a wish for him on the shooting star we saw. But I cannot tell you what it is. That would make it not come true (stars like to keep secrets I guess) I know it doesn't make sense but those are the rules.

Oh and sorry about the juice stain on your cover. I'll try to be more careful from now on.

I met a very strange person today. He was the angry sort and seemed to think that Elune herself had been speaking to him and that she showed him that the horde (especially the forsaken) needed to be driven from our planet. Both Himitsu and Argamend say the same thing... I wonder if there is something wrong with me. When they say such hateful things I am unable to speak up. I just allow them to spout venom without voicing my opinion.

I can't possibly see how the forsaken deserve to die a second time. Many of those whom they would destroy are people's family members. Friends. A while ago I asked Mister Wueten what he wanted most with his second chance at life and he said he just wanted to live.

I do not think anyone has the right to take that away from him or those who would live their lives peacefully. Especially not based on what they are without any consideration as to *who* they are. What right does anyone have to judge what is an abomination to the natural order and what is not?

I do not like the dark and spiders but I cannot claim they are abominations. They are just creepy and have every much a right to be there as I do.

This strange man said that I was wayward and blind. He told me that I would understand what he meant in due time... I really hope not.

For now all I can do is hope to find the courage to speak up once more. My fortune did say that the worst mistakes are made when standing still. I guess that would be my hint to get moving again.

I apologize for not writting in you yesterday.

So I went to a place called the Molten core. And I discovered among many things that being surrounded by flaming monsters and lava makes you thirsty. I really wish I would have brought more water. I woke up early to prepare and everyhing but all I really did was lay out my clothes and fall asleep again. Rhel had to wake me up before I was late. The worst thing then happened! I couldn't believe it! But when I got to the meeting I discovered that I had forgotten my regents, bandages, and water. It wasn't like I could go back and get everything either! Blackrock mountain is a long ride from Stormwind after all.

I wish orcs sold thornroot.

Anyways, Rhel rode with me out and waited with me before we had to go inside. He looked really sad. I think it was because he had been called away on duty and would be unable to assist in the exploration. Between you and me I was really glad he did not go along. That plate would have heated up something awful and Rhel is pretty red as it is. I would really be unhappy if he was cooked! Oh oh Himitsu (my guild leader!) was there too. She came all the way over to wish me luck and everything! Though I am very worried about Himitsu. She has been having problems and acting really funny of late. Whenever I think about it I get pains in my tummy so it is probably a good idea that I don't think about it. Anyways! Argamend (he is in the rose too)was also going into the core but he did not look worried or sweaty or anything he is another one of those brave and smart paladin types. I don't care what most elves say, humans really do not get enough credit for the good they do. Even if they cut down trees, and it would be so simple to stop them if we just shared our wisps and knowledge. If we did that I do not see why we couldn't all just get along. Oh, I'm getting mixed up again.

Molten core. Right. So we went in after a while and everything there was massive! Shaila looked really happy to be there though I have no idea why. We all cut off into groups and made plans. I was in a group with a nice priest, Sahran (He is another nice paladin and a really good friend of mine!) Pathis, and a rogue fellow whos name I never got. But our group was one of eight! All made up of five people. Now you would think that with a group that big the giant evil things would stand up and take notice. Many did but... for some reason everyone said that the creatures who rule the molten core were absent. Perhaps taking a nap or having a picnic.

It was not so bad though. Afterwards Shaila and Sahran took me swimming and we played pirates. I got to see Ceil again and we all had a lot of fun. I even got to see Val. He was rather cross at me for calling Shaila a bread wench and he was right to be. It was rather rude after all. I did not mean it though! He said later that it was okay and he wasn't *really* mad so that made it all better. I really miss living with Val and Shaila and Tobias. They even have a neat new home in the Hintherlands. As much as I wish to see them more often I'm sure it is a relief to them not to have me around all the time. Which is good because I am told that couples need privacy. Sometimes Rhel and I feel that way but I'm never sure when I am giving people enough privacy. Do you know what I mean? So we played pirates and then went to Shaila and Val's house. We all had cheese and bread and it was a great end to a scary day! It is not the end of my trip to the core however. Mulciber says we have to go back. Maybe the big scary guys will take another nap? Oh and here is a picture of what happened!

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?ilmmzobobhc

Dear journal,

I am not so sure why I am writting to you since you cannot write back (Because you are a book, no offense.) but I got the idea from watching Kinst write in his book. I think it relaxed him... so I thought I would give it a try. I like to draw but its not my ideas so much as pictures on paper. Maybe if I wrote down my ideas and thoughts I'd remember them later. That would be really handy for something I am sure!

Darnassian for today!

How are you? - Talah, Talah that means hello. Goodbye- Asto're, Goodbye I've got to go. And if I want to say I love you say O'fulo osa. Osa means you and Fulo means love and O' is the word for me. O' Dorini- my friend Smallwing, thats me, Darnassian would say Shari'fal. Now if I want say it right- Talah, O'fulo osa dorini- Hello, I love you my friend.

This is not so bad. I bet Shaila would really be interested in learning too! Maybe someday I'll teach classes in Darnassian! Well, I guess I should just be happy learning right now. The birds are chirping now though so I think it is time for me to go. I will write more in you later!

-Love
Smallwing